Is it 'kids being kids' or sexual abuse?

When is a child’s sexualised behaviour age-appropriate and when is it something we need to interrupt?

In Australia, the term used to describe sexualised behaviours between children that are inappropriate or problematic is Harmful Sexualised Behaviours (HSB).

For some adults, certain behaviours would clearly be considered sexual abuse if committed by an adult. However, when both parties are children, the term HSB is used. This is important, because many children who display harmful sexualised behaviours have themselves been exposed to sexual content, adult material, or sexual abuse.

Sexualised behaviour in children exists on a continuum - ranging from developmentally expected curiosity, through to inappropriate, problematic, abusive and violent behaviours.

Understanding where a behaviour sits on that continuum matters.

What do I consider Harmful Sexualised Behaviour?

In simple terms, I would describe HSB as involving one or more of the following:

1. A child behaving sexually in a way that is not age-appropriate or developmentally appropriate.

2. A child displaying persistent or ongoing sexualised behaviours despite intervention and education.

3. A child engaging in behaviours involving power imbalance, coercion, manipulation, threats, force, or a lack of shared understanding between the children involved.

What does “Developmentally Appropriate” actually mean?

Developmentally appropriate behaviour is behaviour that aligns with a child’s age and stage of development.

For example, in young children (around 2–5 years old), this may include:

• Noticing differences in bodies and genitals.

• Asking questions about body parts and their functions.

• Occasional touching of their own genitals, particularly for self-soothing.

• Curiosity about other children’s bodies in a mutual, similar-age context.

These behaviours are typically exploratory, intermittent, and not secretive or coercive.

What is "Developmentally Inappropriate" mean?

Developmentally inappropriate behaviour is behaviour that would not usually occur without exposure to sexual content, adult behaviour, or abuse.

This may include:

• Sexual knowledge beyond what would be expected for their age.

• Persistent or excessive masturbation that disrupts normal activities.

• Sexualised behaviour that interferes with daily functioning.

• Coercing, pressuring, or forcing other children to engage in sexual behaviour.

• Engaging in advanced sexual acts such as oral sex, digital penetration, or recording sexualised content.

• Using threats, force, or violence in sexual interactions.

These behaviours require further enquiry.

What does “Persistent Despite Intervention” mean?

If a child continues to display sexualised behaviours after being taught body safety rules and receiving clear boundaries, this may indicate a deeper concern.

Some children may appear unable to stop certain behaviours. In some cases, behaviours may escalate or begin to dominate their day-to-day functioning.

Persistence matters.

What does "Power Imbalance" look like?

Harmful sexualised behaviours often involve some form of imbalance or coercion.

This may look like:

• Preventing another child from leaving a space.

• Threats of harm (“I’ll hurt you” or “I’ll hurt your sibling if you don’t…”).

• Bribery or coercion (“If you do this, I’ll play with you”).

• Age or developmental differences creating emotional or physical power.

• Social dominance (popular or older children influencing quieter or more vulnerable children).

• A lack of shared understanding - where one child does not truly comprehend the behaviour but complies to please the other.

• Framing harmful behaviour as a “game” while knowing the other child does not understand it is unsafe.

Power imbalance is a red flag.

What does this mean for adults?

When children display sexualised behaviour of any kind, we must approach it with curiosity - not panic, and definitely not dismissal.

“Kids being kids” may sometimes apply.

But assuming that without enquiry can allow harm to continue.

There are five key questions to ask:

1. Is this behaviour age and developmentally inappropriate?

2. Does it indicate possible exposure to sexual content or abuse?

3. Is the behaviour persistent or obsessive?

4. Is there a power imbalance between the children?

5. Was there genuine, shared understanding and freely given consent - without force, coercion, or manipulation?

If you answer 'yes' to any of these, the situation warrants further professional enquiry. It may indicate harmful sexualised behaviours.

How do we manage Sexualised Behaviour safely?

My professional experience in this area involves investigating and referring children displaying HSB to appropriate services. One thing is consistently clear: early interruption and intervention matters.

Left unaddressed, harmful sexualised behaviours can escalate and impact multiple children, classrooms, families, and communities.

Importantly, the child displaying harmful behaviour is often a child who needs support. These behaviours do not appear in isolation.

Practical Steps

1. Teach body safety consistently.
   Children need clear rules about private parts, boundaries, and consent.

2. Protectively interrupt - every time.
   Without shaming. Without anger.
   “These are private parts. We don’t touch other people’s privates and they don't touch ours.”

3. Reinforce bodily autonomy.
   Children can say no. Consent must be informed and freely given.

4. Supervise appropriately.
   Particularly in high-risk areas such as bathrooms, closed rooms, or unsupervised play.

5. Adults are responsible for children.
   Not older siblings. Not other children. Adults.

6. Keep environments open and observable.
   No closed bedroom doors during play. Clear supervision during playdates and sleepovers.

Sexualised behaviour in children is not black and white. It exists on a continuum.

Our role as adults is not to shame, panic, or ignore. It is to notice, interrupt, enquire and seek support when needed.

Teaching children body safety consistently is one of the strongest protective factors we have.

If you’re unsure where to start, my Conversations with Kids Body Safety Cards give you simple, clear language to use immediately. 

For a deeper foundation, the Body Safety Basics course guides you through the essential conversations step by step.

And for ongoing support navigating real-world scenarios like this, the KidSafe Collective is where we do the deeper work together. 

Kristi x